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+--- Thread: Zingers (/showthread.php?tid=10575)
Zingers - jazzboCR - 18-09-2014
All my fish keep dying. I don't think there's enough straw in their cage.
I've just released my own fragrance, No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Zingers - jazzboCR - 22-09-2014
I'm glad when life hands me lemons--have you tried shots of tequila with artichokes?
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I heard my roommate mixing some beats...except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Zingers - jazzboCR - 22-09-2014
Estimated height in feet of a memorial tree planted for George Harrison that died in July after an attack by...beetles: 15
Zingers - jazzboCR - 24-09-2014
When people say things like "You can't change the past.", I can't help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I met a girl at a club the other night. She promised to show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds...
I can almost always tell if a movie isn't using real dinosaurs.
Men think about sex about every 7 seconds. This explains all those awkward pauses in The Gettysburg Address.
Zingers - jazzboCR - 25-09-2014
An oxymoron a day keeps reality away:
jumbo shrimp <<>> random order <<>> irrational logic <<>> holy wars <<>> almost new <<>>half dead <<>> even odds <<>> baby grand <<>> open secret
light heavyweight <<>> military intelligence <<>> drag race <<>> bittersweet <<>> surrogate mother <<>> genuine imitation <<>>mandatory option
dear occupant <<>> standard deviation <<>> freezer burn <<>> industrial park <<>> loyal opposition <<>> natural additives <<>> active reserves <<>> limited immunity
death benefits <<>> original copy <<>> moral majority <<>> almost perfect <<>> good grief <<>> plastic glasses <<>> baked Alaska
peacekeeping missiles <<>> somewhat addicted <<>> unofficial record <<>> tax return
Zingers - jazzboCR - 27-09-2014
What's the difference between a filthy bus depot and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean. << reeeaaally stretched on this one.
I ran out of laundry detergent so I used Windex instead. Worked out OK except for the birds smacking into me...
I think the funniest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.
Give a fish a worm and he lives another day. Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around.
We've all been talking about your paranoia...
60% of all the pit bull dog attacks occur between tying the bandanna on its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.
Zingers - SteveO - 27-09-2014
Priceless Jazz man!!!!!
jazzboCR Wrote:When people say things like "You can't change the past.", I can't help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I met a girl at a club the other night. She promised to show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds...
I can almost always tell if a movie isn't using real dinosaurs.
Men think about sex about every 7 seconds. This explains all those awkward pauses in The Gettysburg Address.
Zingers - SteveO - 27-09-2014
If by any chance you are the author of the zingers JazzBo, you have a very imaginative sick mind! ....lol...just kidding dude!
mile::biggrin:
Zingers - jazzboCR - 27-09-2014
SteveO Wrote:If by any chance you are the author of the zingers JazzBo, you have a very imaginative sick mind! ....lol...just kidding dude!
I appreciate the compliment. Most come from CL "Jokes"--I do screen out the individually hurtful, the too-stupid, family references ("My wife is so fat..." etc.) and the funky-sexual. That still leaves a rich trove of material. Natch, if I do step over the line, I wouldn't just accept, I'd be grateful for Admin editing. No desire to hurt, just provide amusement. Nobody reads these with a mouthful of coffee/tea/soda pop, I hope--don't want to be responsible for splashed screens.
Zingers - jazzboCR - 29-09-2014
A US newspaper has a yearly contest to create a new word with a 1-letter modification to an existing one. One or two are a bit salty:
cashtration--the act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
ignoranus--somebody who's both stupid and a bit of an a$$hole
intaxication--the euphoria at getting a tax refund, lasting until you realize it's your own money being returned
reintarnation--coming back to life as a hillbilly
bozone--the layer surrounding stupid people that prevents bright ideas from penetrating
foreploy--any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
giraffiti--vandalism spray-painted very, very high
sarchasm--the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who just doesn't get it
Dopeler effect--the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
caterpallor--the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating